TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have One more put exactly where American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly comfortable ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the job, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from Area, a function staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after locating the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting awareness from Global buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also consist of:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel the place my PTSD might have turn-down service."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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